I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
