I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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