There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sacagawea was the original milf.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
