I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
