based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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