The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We are all done wearing pants today
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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