But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
