Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
