You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
