I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
