she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
