it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
