i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
