how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
