And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
