No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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