I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
