Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
