Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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