I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
