we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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