I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
