Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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