I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
