The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
