I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have aggressive nipples.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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