Will you blow on my dice?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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