Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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