Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
