Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
