Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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