If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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