I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He better not be in your backpack
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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