I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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