matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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