She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize