I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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