You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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