and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
