I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
