I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
