I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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