I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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