Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They took my balls.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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