I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
