never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
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Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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