When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
