is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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