I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
