My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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