I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
