His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
