after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize